Spoof Christmas Letter - 2006

A little backstory: one of us (at-HEM!) has a family member who sends out the holiday letter which is written by the cat. After receiving a particularly egregious version from this family, we were inspired to write our own. Most of the references are gross exaggerations of actual events that transpired (e.g. we DID in fact visit Disney World and see Annie on Broadway). Much of the rest of it is complete hooey!

Unfortunately, many of my topical references are now over a year out of date. And we lost poor Theo on December 26th of that year.

But, without further ado, I present to you our previously unpublished spoof holiday letter from 2006.
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Hello, it is I, Theo dog; canine consultant to the Amazing Anthonys.

Once again it is time for my Christmas missive, as my people are far too humble to bore you with this dreck. Since they bought me my own computer, I feel compelled to be productive. A dog can’t sit around playing FreeCell all day! Plus, after all my work developing Windows Vista, the days seem interminable.

The family has been doing their typical extensive traveling. They enjoyed a trip as the exclusive guests of the late, great, Walt Disney this summer, followed by a jaunt to their multi-million dollar Outer Banks beachhouse. My "peeps" are looking forward to next year when their good friend (and a distant relative on Allison’s side) Richard Branson has promised them all a sub-orbit space flight on his latest aircraft. Surely they’ll be able to provide feedback on the craft and provide valuable information on space flight that will assist NASA with the planned 2020 return to the moon.

Gillian is enjoying her kindergarten AP classes in nuclear physics, quantum mechanics and inorganic chemistry. Her paper on heavy metal isotopes proved particularly instrumental in London this past month with a case involving a certain poisoning case. Bet you’ve read about it in the papers!

You may also have seen Gillian recently in the Broadway production of Annie. She is such a determined little angel that she wouldn’t settle for anything less than the starring role! Allison convinced the producers that Annie should be a blonde, and worked tirelessly and selflessly while she hand-made all the costumes for the full cast. During the occasions when the theater is dark (a term used by thespians such as us) Gillian enjoys playing the violin received on her recent birthday in the pit at Lincoln Center.

Holly will be appearing on "Dancing with the Stars" beginning in February. She started learning both conversational Swedish and Aramaic, but these efforts do not even cut into the time she devotes to her featured role with Cirque du Soleil. Who knew bodies could bend like that! Following a staff shakeup at her preschool, we were all so proud when she was hired as the new teacher’s aide for the three-year-old class. She has also been elected by her peers as the P* Nursery School Ambassador. Her role will involve being the liaison between all of the local preschools. That is, until the UN comes calling! It’s no surprise that both the girls are blessed with beauty AND brains!

Allison’s catering business has taken off, allowing her to hire a certain Food Network chef to run the business and freeing her up to begin her own line of gourmet products. Her recent cookbook was released to grand review (now in its third printing), and Ward is proud that she is making money faster than she can spend it! But these incessant phone calls from Mario Battali have got to stop! Despite her jam-packed life she found the time to develop a time management system for the family that surpasses the Franklin-Covey method. The key to her system is so simple – colored rubber bands!

Ward continues his noble work at the hospital. He is revered like no other employee in modern times; New York is anxiously awaiting next year’s dedication of the "Ward Hastings Anthony-Cornell Medical Center". Of course, it’s not all work and no play for this handsome 40-something. Look for him alongside George Clooney in the recent People Magazine spread! Ward especially enjoyed racing in the Iditarod this year, and was such a good sport considering he only came in second.

Naturally Ward and Allison are pushing the girls to excel at all the activities in which they participated as children: ice sculpture; bookbinding; animal husbandry and, of course, Middle East diplomacy. But at the end of the day, everyone enjoys a good Bollywood film to ease the tension of the daily grind.

We hope that you are a fraction as marvelous as we are, but we know that your sad, pathetic little lives are incomparable to ours. Never fear, there’s still hope for you in 2007!